Dear Twins

Dear Twins,

The past week has been hard. I have been so nauseous. Foods have a whole new smell-raw meats especially chicken are DISGUSTING! I don't like doing dishes so we now eat on paper. Thank you Costco for your bulk paper products :)

I have been so lucky to have only thrown up once...until last week on Wednesday. I could not keep anything down, liquid or solids. I threw up 10 times in a 24 hour period. Had to cal the doctor and now I have to take zofran so I keep my food down. Almost had to go in for an IV. Is it the food i'm eating? Or is it you just aren't liking food right now?

I am so excited to meet you two. So excited to find out if you are boys or girls or both. Can't wait to feel you move! Can't wait to hear your heartbeats again to know you are okay. I cannot wait to hold your tiny fingers for the first time. I cannot wait to be your mother! I would glady puke again and again for you....well maybe not glady, but I would do it.

Love you,

Your mother (haha kind of weird to say)

Firsts

So I know usually mom's are all about tracking the firsts---today was the first day my kid walked... Well I have experienced two firsts with pregnancy

1- I got to HEAR the Heartbeats Yesterday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I didn't even know it was going to happen. I had already seen them on a very early ultrasound-like before 7 weeks early-but just a day over 7 weeks and I got to hear them. 150 and 143 were the rates! Someone told me that higher heartbeats means a boy and lower means girls, but who knows. My OBGYN named them Fred and Clarissa....so maybe there is something to that? We'll see. I almost cried hearing the heartbeats. Everything is starting to be so real and perfect. I like to sit on my couch holding the ultrasounds and just loving my babies.

2- Today was the first time I threw-up. YAY (sarcasticaly said). So I know on an earlier post I was like oh yeah I can't wait to puke...and I do have to admit for like one split second I was like yay I am really pregnant and these babies are really growing and then it was like eww gross this does not feel good. The attack came while driving...try doing that- not number one on my bucket list by far. I haven't moved since then I just feel like it is about to happen again at any moment today. Even funnier is when I call and tell my mom she gets all excited. Now I know we have worked hard to get here, but excitement over throw up may be borderine weird...right?


Life is funny-You spend it wishing for things you don't have and not enjoying what is right in front of you. Honesty moment-I may have already wished I was past trimester one or even that the babies were already born. But I will not wish I was not pregnant. No matter how scary a C-section sounds, how sick I feel, or how dirty my house gets. I think I need to start embracing each day more fully and just enjoying the ride of morning sickness because it may be with me for 9 months :)

My family just called and listen to all our good news:
1- I'm pregnant with Twins FINALLY!
2- My brother and his wife got approved for their loan and get their new house. SO EXCITED can't wait to visit them in Tooele Utah
3- My other brother got accepted in Cambridge study abroad for the summer with his wife so they get to trollop around Europe. He also got a job with Apple and will be working from......HAWAII for two years!!! can we say AMAZING. Justin has promised to take me so hopefully that happens.

Love my family and Love the Lord-we have each been so blessed recently. It is amazing how you can feel so down on life and then the Lord comes in and just showers you with blessings.

Twofer

I love getting two for the price of one. Nothing is better than getting something for free! well today I had my first ultrasound and we are getting two babies for the price of one!

 ONE OF THE BEST DAYS EVER!!!!!! actually it probably is the best day ever!

The ultrasound tech was just checking to make sure they were implanted in the right area of the uterus and that things were developing well.

She was taking a look and then she turned the screen towards me and said there are TWO attached looks like you are having twins!

See the two little black dots...those are my babies!

I am so happy right now. Justin says he is happy, but I think he is in shell shock. I know he will be a great dad and now he has 9 months to get used to the idea of twins, but it is still early and I could lose one. Once I hit 8 weeks they say my chances are only 1% of a miscarriage. I am not telling aunts and cousins until the 8 weeks about the twins. Right now I am telling them all there is one healthy sac in there.

On the 23rd I get to see their heartbeats! I am SO EXCITED!!!!

My due date for one baby is 12/12/12 LOL. I'm hoping they come a little early, not much-but a little distance from Christmas would be nice.

My aunt had twins and she said she felt like a milk cow from all the feeding-I'm a little nervous...okay a little more than kind of nervous--I'm slightly thinking what did I get myself into. I am so scared of getting birth and about starting out with two, but very excited. Beyond excited. I'm so giddy. I pray that they both live. I hope I get one boy and one girl, but I'll take whatever comes very happily.

I am still having my cramps and was told today that is very normal. I am still having huge hunger fits and now it kind of makes more sense. I am feeding for three! My sister-in-law said that I will be gaining 60lbs...I sure hope I can control myself. I try to eat healthy...so far....I do have the occasional chips an ice cream. HAHA. You can't be pregnant and not have chips and ice cream right? Two nights ago I felt so dizzy and nauseous all night. I laid on the couch with a cold compress and some lemon lime soda. So excited for the first time I actually throw up!!!!!

Since coming home I have been looking at twin nurseries. Here are a few that I like:

I love how they did the boy and girl thing. I think it was executed well Don't love the stars

I kind of love the idea of putting them both in the same crib. They were in the
womb together, I think they would enjoy still sleeping together for a while

Now I know this is over the top, but I love the accents over the beds. I don't love the
metal cribs even though they are pretty. I prefer wood...seems safer. This seems
like a fairytale room for sure.

I AM SO EXCITED TO BE A MOM!!!!!!!!

So I'm Pregnant!!

Okay so I am not going to post any of these for 8 weeks, but I wanted to get my thoughts down while they are fresh.

I did in vitro Monday, March 26th at 2:30pm. Out of all the transfers I have done it was the hardest. Apparently I didn't drink enough water and it was hard for them to see my uterus so they were pressing pretty hard with the ultrasound. I almost cried, but hey I would do anything for a baby so you suck it up and move forward.

The next week was TORTURE! I laid completely flat for a whole week. Seriously if you think this is easy try lying completely flat-only getting up for the bathroom-for the weekend. You will find it is hard, very hard!

Things I noticed different this time than the other three. First I started to get cramping around day 3-4 after the transfer. It felt like my period was going to start and it kind of worried me a little. Second Around day 5-7 I started to get serious hunger fits. I am not kidding-I would be fine and then BOOM if I don't get some food I am going to pass out or kill someone. Third-one day I got really sick feeling. I was dizzy and slightly nauseous.

On Friday the 30th I had my first blood test and then again on Saturday. These were my baseline HCG level tests. For those that do not know HCG is the hormone that is released when you are pregnant. To tell if your pregnancy is viable they test your blood. Every 2 days your HCG levels should be doubling. Side note-in order to be considered pregnancy your HCG level should be at least a 5.

On Monday the 2nd of April I had my third blood test. Here were my results:
Friday- 3--not pregnant yet, but at least there is some present
Saturday- 24-WOW the number more than doubled I am PREGNANT!
Monday- 91-WOW still more than doubling so EXCITED
Thursday- 540- ARE YOU KIDDING ME! I was hoping for 250 :)
Monday 9th- 2971- Feeling pretty good about these numbers!

I feel beyond blessed to have finally found success. I am so glad that through it all Justin and I have stayed true to our faith and put our trust in God and his plan for us. I know that God loves each and every one of his children. It has been a hard road to walk, but I didn't have to walk it alone ever.

I am not posting this because there is still a chance I can lose the baby, but I am so excited. At 8 weeks if I am still pregnant I will be telling the world! Cannot wait to be a mom. We have an ultrasound on Wednesday the 11th to see how many implanted. If I am really honest I want twins :)

What's in a number?

82

What is so great about the number 82? It is just a number. It could be the number of times someone sneezes in a day during allergy season. It could be the money I earn in a day's work, it could be the number of times I have prayed each day this week for this round of in vitro to work. It could be the number of spokes in a wheel.

 For me the number 82 is the percentage my doctor gave me for this round of in vitro to work. 82 is a pretty high percentage. I mean if someone told you that you had a 82 percent chance of winning the lottery you would enter. If someone told you that you had a 82 percent chance of dying from eating a hamburger you would probably not eat the hamburger.

I am pretty excited and hopeful with the number 82, but if it doesn't work i'm going to feel very upset and frustrated I couldn't get it to work with such a high number.

Tomorrow is the big day

Tomorrow is the big day and I have mixed feelings. Justin and my mom keep asking me how do you feel and I keep saying fine, great, nothing I haven't been through, which is true, but nonetheless I think I have two main feelings.

I am excited-excited about the hope and prospects of the future. Excited to get things moving again and excited to possibly hear good news this time. Excited that in 10 days I could hear the words "you are pregnant"!!! Excited that my embryo could turn into a little fetus. Excited that I could get morning sickness and get fat! Excited to just find out something rather than living in this limbo.

I am very anxious- the definition of anxious is experiencing worry, unease, or nervousness, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome. I think that pretty much sums up all the worry I have built up inside. I just have the constant feeling of worry and unease that things are not going to work again and then what?.....Where do I go? How many times do I do in vitro before I say enough and look into other means? This round has a very final feeling to it and I don't know why?



where do I go from here?

1:30PM I check in to the center and at 2:00 they do the transfer of the eggs and then I wait. Wait TEN long days to find out if it took. Not only am I waiting, but I am laying completely flat for a week. One long week. The first few days are very relaxing, but then I get restless and very anxious.

Tomorrow is the day-let's hope it is a good day:)

Development of my Eggs!

Got a call from the doctor today and my eggs are doing well!

I had 15 eggs frozen and they thawed all 15. So far all 15 are surviving YAY! There are nine that are looking really good so I am all set for Monday to do a transfer at 2:00pm.  I thought it would be fun to go over the embryo development because I find it fascinating!

 Day 0- Eggs are retrieved and sperm is introduced

Day 1- The egg is officially fertilized and it is now called a zygote!

Day 2- The zygote starts to divide and replicate. They embryos has now become a 4-cell embryo. This is the stage my eggs were frozen at in November and thawed at.

Day 3- It is now an 8 cell embryo

Day 4- They call this Morula. This is the stage right before blastocyst.  At this stage it is around 12-30 cells that have developed. It is at this stage that the sac around the embryo starts to disintegrate in preparation for blastocyst.

Day 5- Blastocyst stage!! This is the great day when they do the transfer. There are less than 100 cells at this point and it is almost ready to implant in the uterus lining. THe cells are breakign out of the sac. Within the blastocyst there are 2 types of cells. There is an inner cell mass that will soon begin to divide rapidly and develop into the fetus. The outer mass will eventually turn into the placenta.

 Fingers crossed, prayers prayed- here is hoping for a successful round 4 transfer!!!

Complications of Endometriosis

Okay now to finish I will talk about complications! Oh the JOY!

Infertility is one of the main complications. Endometriosis is responsible for about 1/3 of infertility cases in woman. I am obviously experiencing this one :) I read somewhere that about 70% of women with endometriosis will have a child within 3 years. I am entering year number three of trying so lets hope for the best!!!!

Internal scarring- Basically no fun...I already talked about using laparoscopy to remove the scarring. Read my post about treatments!

This is a picture of an adhesion. Gross I
know, but hey it is medical right?

Adhesions-these are fibrous bands that form between tissues and organs. Adhesions form naturally as part of the healing process in a body. Unfortunately for women with endometriosis they can form without even having surgery. A endometrial implant can bleed and become inflamed. As it is healing if it comes in contact with another inflamed implant the two connect and form an adhesion. This can cause problems like binding a ovary to the side of the pelvic wall. It is associated with very sharp pain. Luckily I have not formed any adhesions yet.

Pelvic Cysts

A chocolate cyst that is ruptruing. You can
see the cocolate goo coming out. Really
gross I know, but I grow those...even more
gross I know, sorry.

Chocolate Cyst of the ovaries-also known as an endometrioma. These cysts form when the endometrial tissue is formed, falls off, transplants onto the ovary, and grows and enlarges over the months or years. Blood builds up inside and it turns brown. The cysts do not affect the quality of a woman’s eggs; however, these cysts can affect the release of a woman’s eggs contributing to her infertility. I grow these cysts. I had one that was over 5cm removed last February. That surgery was HORRIBLE. I never want to have one removed again. I couldn’t lift myself up, cough, or laugh without being in pain for almost a week. I was so weak and I have a new found respect for mothers who do C-sections. I had 3 small incisions in my abdomen, not a big ol’ slice. 

 I just found out that I have another one on my right ovary that is over 7cm long.  As a side note my OBGYN told me that a woman had a 40lb cyst removed-seriously how can you let it get that big. The biggest worry with big cysts is the flipping of the ovary. Once a cyst gets over 5cm it becomes a risk. When an ovary flips it cuts off the blood supply and the ovary can turn black and die if not treated immediately. Not going to lie I am kind of scared about not having it removed and just moving forward with In Vitro; however, both my OBGYN and doctor feel it is safe and the right move.

Overall Endometriosis is LAME! However, it is not even close to the worst disease out there. Whenever I get caught up in woe is me I have to step back and put things in perscpective. I am pretty much healthy, i'm married to a wonderful man, I have the church in my life, and I have good family and friends to help me through everything. They say if everyone put their troubles in a hat you would want to take yours back. I believe that.

Treatments of Endometriosis

Okay so I am bored with blogging about endometriosis which means if I am bored other people were bored yesterday! So today I am wrapping it up in a pretty bow.

Treatments-really there are no real solid treatments that help. The most common treatment is the prescription of NSAIDs like Ibuprofen to help with the pain of endometriosis. I take 3 Ibuprofen 3-4 times a day for the first 2-3 days of my period. It helps a lot especially when combined with a hot pad and curling up in a tight ball! I’m obviously no doctor, but it has really helped me.

Both my OBGYN and Fertility doctor say that the very best treatment is pregnancy. If a woman does not want to be pregnant a lot of times doctors will put patients of meds to simulate pregnancy. Meds such as birth control or injections and hormones like progesterone and estrogen.

Because endometriosis causes scarring with each period it is common for doctors to have patients skip periods for extended time. For example be on birth control for 6 months then have a period and go back on for another 6 months.  Doctors can also prescribe a drug that has a weird name, but the abbreviation is GnRH and it suppress estrogen production and stops the secretion of other hormones thus mimicking menopause and a woman’s menstration stops.  Seriously who would want menopausal symptoms in their 20’s? just asking…

There are several surgical options as well. Laparoscopy is done using a laser to remove scarring. I have had laparoscopy surgery done. There is some pretty cool technology out there today. Mine was done using a robotic laparoscopy. Some people even go the extremes of having their ovaries and uterus removed to stop the pain. When I was first diagnosed I was reading online and found a 27 year old woman who had done that. The bad thing with endometriosis is if you do not get all of it removed you will stay have pain. This is what happened to that 27 year old. She still experiences the pain of endometriosis because not all of it was taken out.

robotic laparoscopy.

Started my shots

Started my shots yesterday.

My sharps container. This is the second one I am filling.
 I have also filled 2 gatorade bottles and 2 water bottles

Shots are to be done at promptly 7pm. Justin and I wanted to go do a session at the temple so we had to wait until the 7:30 session so I could get my shot in. My first shot of round four was given in a bathroom at a restruant we were having dinner in. Everything went relatively well and it wasn't that painful. Thinking about it I have had shots just about everywhere: in the temple bathroom by one of my sisters, in a mall parking lot by my brother, now a resturaunt bathroom.

Currently my shots are 2cc's of Progesterone Oil. Yes oil. I use a 21g 1 1/2 inch needle. It goes in fine, but the next moring the injection site feels like someone hit me wiht a baseball bat and I do not like to be touched anywhere near the injection site.

Here are some pictures.

Everything I am taking currently. 7 pills and an oil shot.

My 1 1/2 inch needle. YIKES I hate needles.



my needle

Symptoms of Endometriosis

Today I am going to talk about the main symptoms of Endometriosis.



Pain is most common symptom

The hard thing with Endometriosis is that some women have nearly no symptoms and are only diagnosed by default (like having surgery for something else). Also people with symptoms may think that it is normal body changes and don’t suspect anything is wrong until later as symptoms may worsen. No two women will share the same symptoms or experiences with endometriosis. Some women may have stage 4 and have little or no pain, but someone in stage 2 may have excruciating pain. The best cure for endometriosis is pregnancy; however, those with endometriosis have a harder time getting pregnant.  The earlier endometriosis is detected the better. The longer it goes untreated the more scarring and damage can be done. Tomorrow I will talk about treatments. So main symptoms:

Pregnancy is best cure!

1.       Pain before and during periods. This is the most common symptom shared by those with endometriosis. I am in such pain that I am crumpled up in a tight ball with a hot pad and bottle of Ibuprofen. I have had to leave work, miss dates, skip family outings, go home early from girls camp all because I am in such pain. It is debilitating and I hate it. I cannot eat for almost two full days because the pain is so bad. I remember when I started my period in 6^th grade and bawling all night because it hurt so badly and my dad thought I was having appendicitis until he found out I had started my period. Really painful periods are NOT normal. I have had 5 OBGYN’s and I told them all how painful my periods were and 4 of them told me “OH it is normal to have cramps” blah, blah, blah. Finally my new OBGYN took a deeper look and he is the one who diagnosed me. Advice number one: find a good OBGYN.

2.       Pain with Intercourse

3.       General, Chronic pelvic pain throughout the month

4.       Low back pain. My back pain is worse before and during my periods

5.       Heavy and/or irregular periods. My periods are very random. They can be anywhere from 48 days apart to two in a month. I think it important to note that if you are skipping periods you should go see an OBGYN.  Advice number two: skipping periods is not normal and usually is an indicator that something is wrong.

6.       Painful bowel movements, especially during menstruation

7.       Fatigue. I am always tired…so I don’t know if that is due to endometriosis or just me. It is a big joke in both of my families how much and how easily I can sleep.

8.       Infertility. This is actually the symptom that diagnosis most women. I can deal with pain and fatigue, but dealing with the infertility has been the hardest. I am so grateful for modern medicine so I can at least try something more.

9.       Diarrhea or constipation

10.   Headaches

11.   Low grade fevers

12.   Depression

13.   Hypoglycemia-which is low blood sugar.

14.   Anxiety

15.   Susceptibility to infection and allergies

What is Endometriosis

Every time someone asks me why I can’t have children I tell them I have endometriosis and they all look at me like I am speaking some foreign language. So this week I am going to share facts and my own personally experiences with endometriosis. Today I am going to tell you what endometriosis is.

This is an example of deep endometriosis. I have this kind of scarring all over my ovaries

What is it: Simply put it is normal cells in a woman growing in the wrong place. More specifically, endometriosis is when cells (called endometrial cells) from the lining of a woman’s womb (or uterus) grow in other unwanted areas which results in pain L. About 5-10% of women have this condition.  I will talk about symptoms another day

Basically a woman’s ovaries produce a hormone that tells these cells lining the uterus to grow and get bigger. This is getting the womb ready for pregnancy.  If a woman does not get pregnant the cells are removed from the body…ta-da a period! It is when these cells grow outside of the uterus that endometriosis results. The cells grow on the ovaries, bowels, rectum, bladder, and even other areas. I have severe scaring on my ovaries that we know of and possible scarring in other areas.

Top is scarring on ovary and wall, Bottom is scarring as well just differnt area

Endometriosis is rated in stages of 1-4. Stage 1 is very minimal and not much in the body. Stage 2 is moderate to mild, but now the endometriosis is found on the ovaries. Stage 3 is moderate and the endometriosis is found in extensive places. Stage 4 is severe with the endometriosis found extensively through body with adhesions and a higher probability of infertility. My OBGYN rated my endometriosis at a stage 3-4 out of 4. I have some very fun (insert sarcasm) complications from endometriosis that is one of the main contributing factors to my infertility, but that will be another post.

Back on the Horse

They say when you fall off the horse you have to get back on, well it is official I am fully back on the  In Vitro Horse and not exactly loving it. Here is what my days look like-

I have at least two doctor appointments a week. This week is Tuesday and Friday. They include blood tests and Ultrasounds (not the fun ultrasounds)

I take 7 pills a day....7, and i'm just getting started. They will be adding more pills, injections, patches, and other fun stuff we don't need to talk about. I feel like an old person. I own a massive pill box container so I remember which pills I have taken and which I have not.

Lots of blood tests which means lots of needle pokes and my arm starts looking like I am a drugie

I start my injections next week. Yay for me :(

One of my pills makes me very dizzy. I spent last night curled up on the couch just trying to stop the feeling that the world was spinning.

However, I am very excited and hopeful so here is for the best come March 26th!

Is it smart to get back on a horse you have fallen off of 3 times already? Or should you run?

What I have learned through Infertility

I believe we are to learn from our life’s experiences. This is some of what I have learned through my infertility.

1.       I am not in control of anything and it is very frustrating to come to terms with it

2.       If there is one thing I wish other people could learn from my infertility it would be to not judge those without children. I have had several people make comments like “oh you’ve been married five years and don’t have any children?” or “when are you going to stop playing and start having children?” or “don’t you know it is a commandment to have children?”  You DO NOT know what people are going through so don’t try and tell them how to live their life. Any aspect of it, church, non-church related. Just work on living your best life and serving without judgment.

3.       It is amazing the fears I will overcome at just the chance of having a baby. I hate needles, always have and always will, but I have at least one shot a day in order to prepare my body for each invitro cycle.

4.       I cannot go through the process alone. When I first started I was very secretive. I felt like I was a failure in many aspects and wanted to keep things private. Looking back I realize I need other people to lean on and sharing my story has been helpful and healing

5.       Faith is much deeper than going to church, reading, and fulfilling your callings. Faith involves trusting and hoping when you feel you are alone, lost, and hurt

6.       A good cry does the body good. It does not mean you are weak. It heals and releases everything you have kept bottled for so long

7.       It is hard to let go of something you want so badly, but it does not mean you are not faithful. Sometimes faith means coming to terms with the plan god has for you instead of the one you planned for yourself.

8.       It is easy to get trapped in the tunnel vision of infertility and let that run your life

9.       You cannot CANNOT compare your failure to get pregnant to someone elses success. Each women’s, and husband’s for that matter, body is different and responds differently to treatments.

10.   You will drive yourself insane with the “what if’s”

11.   Your relationships can easily be strained, work hard to make sure they don’t. Especially the one with your husband

12.   It is easy to get depressed-talk to people and do stuff, do fun stuff

13.   Do not let yourself go: each time I did invitro I would gain about 4-5 pounds because I just stopped moving. In the end I just ended up being too fat to fit in any of my pants which made me just more depressed.

14.   Don’t try to be brave-feel the feelings it makes the heeling faster

15.   Don’t be afraid to tell someone you just can’t hear what they are telling you right now. After my first few failures people started suggesting different doctors, or additional treatments that had worked for friends, I just started telling them thank you, but I don’t want to hear that. It goes back to number 9 and it will drive you insane.

16.   Life is not fair. God never said it was, your mother never said it was, even the legal system is not fair. Innocent people are sometimes convicted and killed.

17.   Don’t spend your life wishing and trying to change things you cannot. I will grow cysts on my ovaries until I die or take out my ovaries. My periods will always hurt severely. Do spend your life enjoying and creating happy moments with those you love.

18.   Maybe most importantly I have really learned how loved I am. By my Heavenly Father. My husband who gives me shots, wipes my tears, holds me when I need it most, upholds my hope when I feel it is almost gone. My mom who drops everything to spend a week with me after the procedure, my relatives and friends who have prayed non-stop and fasted for me, my brother and his wife who were okay with mom missing her going through the temple so she could be with during one of my in vitro rounds, my mother and father-in-law for visiting me and being so supportive, my dad for letting his wife be gone so often, the list goes on and on. I have learned I am truly loved and it feels good to know I have that kind of support.

Getting to know Justin

I feel people do not know my Husband Justin very well. He is kind of shy until you get to know him. So today is fun facts about Justin!

1. He hates dough. I mean HATES dough. If he sees something being made from dough he won't eat it. If something is undercooked and doughy, he won't eat it. Even the smell of dough makes him all grossed out.

2. He has a fear of moths....seriously. He says they are "furry". When we lived in WA he ran into our apartment in a panic because there was a moth in the doorway. So cute and funny

3. He loves to play-anything and almost everything. Some of his favorites would be: football, catch, legos, basketball, golf, air soft, shooting in general whether guns or bows, riding ATVs, swimming, and kings corner is his favorite card game just to name a few.

4. He has grown up in Las Vegas and has no idea how to play any form of poker...not even Texas Hold em'. Just sayin that is a little weird

5. He loves to make up nick-names. Since being married I get a new nickname about every 3-5 months. Here are a few he has come up with: cutie, tiny, little tiny baby cat, freckles, french, peach, giggles, little french, pickle, and there are many many more. get to know him well enough and you may be blessed with your own nickname :)

6. His dream job would be to golf. I think he is pretty good, but I am partial. I love watching him at the driving range. Maybe because I can't even hit the ball 50 feet.

7. He actually enjoys working out---maybe it is a guy thing because I really hate it.

8. He is very good at his job and actually enjoys all the legal stuff. He is passionate about justice and doing good work and it shows.

9. He moans in his sleep. I don't mean snore, he does this weird thing where he holds his breath and lets it out slowly and loudly and it sounds like a ghost moaning through the house. Keeps me up and drives me nuts.

10. He loves and I mean LOVES puppies. At night time when he is surfing the web it is almost always looking at puppies. His dream dogs would be either a German shot haired pointer, chocolate lab, or recently a Doberman. He even has dog names picked out such as tank or rebel.

11. He loves horses and hopes to own a few some day. Recently we have been doing horseback riding and it all stemmed from Justin's love of horses. I don't know if we actually own any, but they are pretty fun and I think he makes a cute cowboy.

12. He loves cracking Jokes and a lot of them are very funny. I hate how when I am mad he can make me laugh. I laugh daily with him :)

13. He is very good at picking up people's nuances. For example he has picked up that I bite my lower lip a lot, say "if I'm honest" a whole lot, and also say "all that and a bag of chips". He has picked up on many of his siblings and even people we just meet. I think it is a super talent or something.

14. He loves getting his feet tickled. He loves saying "I'd like to cash in a coupon for a foot tickle" when in reality he does not have said coupon from me. Almost every night he asks for a foot tickle. Kind of gross on my end, but it makes him very happy. Maybe when we have kids I'll use that as a bartering tool...I'll tickle you feet if you change the diaper?

15. He loves the outdoors: fly fishing is a favorite of his, hunting, and camping.

16. He does not like confrontation within families and is always quick to try and end any.

17. His favorite dessert is brownies and he loves to lick the batter

18. He orders dessert with dinner so he can enjoy both!

19. Whenever he eats rich chocolate the underpart of his eyes water

20. He secretly wishes he were either a navy seal or a fighter jet pilot. He can name all the airplanes by looking at them in the sky. Is this also a guy thing?

21. He hates Indian food-the smell alone gets him. He won't even go into the restaurants. For my birthday when I get to pick the food I always pick either Thai or Indian and we get it to go and he gets Taco Bell on the way home and we both enjoy our foods.

22. When he found out he passed the Bar and was told he could go anywhere to eat for dinner he chose Burger King. He is a man of simplicity.

23. He is a VERY good griller and grills a mean pulled pork, prime rib, and whole chicken.

So there you have it, a few fun facts about Justin. Hopefully you have gotten to know him better and can see what an amazing man I have!

Fun Facts

So I have decided to do a fun post all about me! You should all be very excited because I am an Awesome person. Random facts about me in no order:

1. I do not eat either end of bananas. I throw them away. There is something texturely wrong with the ends of bananas and I cannot bring myself to eat them.

2. I am kind of obsessed about germs from raw meats. I wash my hands, surfaces, utinsels, anything that comes in contact with raw meat often and furiously. I almost died last night when I watched wife swap and the one family eats EVERYTHING RAW. Eggs, meats, Milk, everything. It was disgusting

3. I love marshmellows...but especially stale ones. I purposefully leave the bag open so they get hard.

4. I feel like I am a cold-blooded lizard. I am cold all the time and love laying out in the heat or being wrapped up in many layers to get warm. I would much rather die of heat than cold.

5. My one superhero power would be to be able to eat anything I wanted without gaining a pound. I could care less about flying, being invisible, or shooting death rays from my eyes. I just want to be able to eat whatever I want whenever I want without having to go to the gym or gain 500lbs afterwards.

6. My secret dream is to enter a food competition-like here in Vegas they have a 6lb burritto challenge. I almost did it two summers ago, but found out it was over 8,000 calories and just couldn't bring myself to consume that in one sitting.

7. I get really scared of scary things....no like really scared. If I see scary movie previews they may give me nightmares and I end up making Justin sit up and watch cartoons with me until I feel happy enough to sleep. One of my most scary and hated movies is Secret Window....so creepy.

8. Singing and dancing make me very happy...but I am horrible at both so I only do them when I am in the car, the shower, or alone at home. Sometimes I'll sing and dance in front of Justin and he usually laughs.

9. I am a secret hoarder. I have a hard time getting rid of things I don't need. I still have books from college that I am holding onto that I do not need. I keep saying one day my kids will use the books, but seriously everything in those books is dated and my chidren will get it on their Ipad7's

10. I am constantly shaking my feet. They always have to be moving. My mom says I am like a shark and have to be moving to breathe. Don't know why I do it, but it tends to bother people that I sit by.

11. I make weird noises---seriously I do. I find they come out most when I am overly hyper or overly bored.

12. I sincerely believe I could spend 1 million dollars in a day only on shopping for clothes! No houses, cars, or toys. Just clothes, shoes, bags, jewlery. Easy, one day, no sweat. And I would look fabulous afterwards!

13. I am obsessed with the HGTV channel and wish David Bromsted, Genevieve, Candice Olson and Ahmed Hassan would come and decorate my house and yard.

14. I dance when I try on clothes. When I put on a pair of pants, dress, or shirt that I really like I dance in it out of the dressing room and while i'm showing whoever I am shopping with and then I dance my way back into the dressing room :) Everyone should try it, it is quite fun.

That's all for now. If you ask my brothers I am full of much weirder quirks, but that is all I feel like sharing!

Sunday was Hard

Sunday was a hard day for me.

I went to a friends baby blessing...I cried the whole way home

Went to a church meeting where one of the leaders just did invitro and is now successfully pregnant, on her first try. I am just about to go through my fourth try....I went home, curled up in Justin's arms, and cried.

It is not that I am not happy for these people because I truly am. I wish no one to go through multiple rounds of Invitro. They are both great women and will be amazing mothers, but it was just hard.

I want my baby to be blessed. I want my round of Invitro to work. I want to have an appointment where I can hear a heartbeat rather than one where I am poked and told sorry maybe next time will work.

I don't want to do this anymore...Sunday was just hard.

Good News!

Long time since last post-I will not attempt to update because my brother says my posts are too long.

Yesterday was a pretty good peak! I went to my fertility doctor and he looked at my cyst and said it is not cancer and that I do not need surgery!

This is how I feel today! only more modest ;)

I am on track to do Invitro again on March 19th! Prayers are appreciated in behalf of a baby finally deciding to grow. Fingers crossed here we go again.

I guess I should post a Pit-the pit would be I am going to have to start shots here in about a week and that is not happy.

This is how i feel about getting shots....seriously....only add a few tears and a little more terror

I hate needles and if I ever get a baby birthed he/she will never hear the end of all I went through to get them here. But i'll take the shots if it means a baby!

Valentines Day

Just Saying...Wouldn't mind

Honesty time-I HATE Valentines day. I think my hatred dates back to Junior High School where I was mocked mercilessly for my uncoolness and as they termed it "beast"iness. I never had a boyfriend--even through high school and always felt bitter towards a holiday where all the cute, stick thin, popular girls got showered with gifts and my parents threw me a pity dinner with a small gift such as a flower or some candy because they knew how much I hated the holiday. Looking back I can now appreciate their efforts, but at the time it made me feel ultra lame. Now one might say, "Hey Shellese now that you are married Valentines day should be awesome!" Or "Hey, at least you are no longer ugly" But I guess I just can't shake the nightmares from the past and I still hate the holiday.

First Time I went to Vegas with Justin. We hadn't even kissed yet. So Handsome and strong!

The ONLY saving grace  to this lame holiday is my Handsome Husband! In law school we were so poor we decided not to purchase lame gifts for each other because a stupid holiday told us to, but instead cook a really nice meal together and enjoy each others company. This has become one of my favorite traditions. Let us review meals of the past--It all started with Justin surprising me by cooking Ravioli and we ate it on a blanket in our living room and he called it an "indoor picnic" so cute and so fun! Other years we have done rack of lamb, manicotti, one of my favorite years was recreating the spicy lentil soup from Carabbas. It took over 3 hours, but it was SOO good, and it was fun to cook with Justin for 3 whole hours (during law school he didn't give me much time-rather his books). This year we are going to be cooking Prime Rib ( a small one people), mashed potatoes, carrots, rolls, and I am making a special Chocolate Raspberry ganache cake. So excited!

Mr GQ. His Groomal session. He is seriously so HOT! I married a very attractive man.

Justin is quite the romantic for those of you who don't know him very well. He always has a new nickname for me-currently it is either Freckles (I don't have any) or Little Tiny Baby Cat (which is very weird since I am neither a cat or a baby, but I'll take little tiny :) )  My very first nickname while I was dating, engaged, and the first part of our marriage was Cutie. I thought I was going to be Cutie until I died so I engraved a message on his ring and signed it "Love Cutie".

Poems are very romantic and so to make this post semi pro-valentines (with his permission) I am going to post a poem Justin wrote about me. (He said I had to copy write it---psh lawyers) I may not love Valentines day, but I do love my husband and think that taking the time to celebrate each other and our love isn't that bad of an idea. Maybe one day I'll love the holiday, but for now I'll focus on the love Justin and I have for each other. This is my favorite poem he has written about me, and I feel so lucky to have married a man that loves me this much.

Cutie
You do something to me that I can't describe,
Whenever I'm with you make me live.
Cutie, my Love, you are everything to me,
Each time I'm with you I constantly want to give
My whole heart to you.

You do something to me that I can describe,
You help me to enjoy life more and more.
You calm my worries, and lift me up,
To you, my Love, I want to pour,
Out all of my heart and soul.

Every time that I'm with you I fall in love over again,
Your beauty and charm have stolen my heart!
Cutie, my Love, you mean so much to me; I love you, and I always will!
From you I never want to part,
From you my Love, my Joy.

You change and mold me into the better man,
That I want to be for you my love.
You make the earth stop with your smile,
And Every time I'm with you I give praise above
For the blessing that you are to me.


I love you so much Hun! Happy Valentines day from your Cutie, Freckles, or Tiny Baby Cat:)

Friday was good

AWESOME day today. So after many sad and okay days, I had an awesome day on Friday. let us read about my peak of Friday-my peak would not be one event, but rather focused around one person...Jenesee. Jenesee is a great friend I have here in Vegas and she is a lot of fun and super talented. If anyone needs a haircut or color she is your woman.

The day started with her coming over and cutting and dying my hair. I need to take a picture so you can all see how awesome it looks. I seriously feel like a new woman-amazing how a simple hair treatment can make you feel so wonderful.

This is what their salads look like, my mouth is watering right now

After the hair we had lunch at chipotle. I am hooked on their salads. They are super filling, delicious, and I am going to say healthy because I then feel better about scarfing said food. The corn salsa is to DIE for---okay maybe I wouldn't really die for it, but I might fight for it... ( I went and added it up and my salad was 670 calories...really?)

After lunch we went to D.I. and wandered around looking for hidden treasures-I found two cute decorations that I snagged up for a whopping total of 2.75. WHAT A STEAL! I just may go there more often. After living on pinterest my brain was going wild of what I could create from all the stuff at the D.I.

Our party continued to Bed Bath and Beyond where I purched something fun as a gift so I can't say what---but it is good.

The day ended with the fun times of my cousin Race Boy crashing on my couch for the night. I love visitors, especially relatives.

Friday was so good I don't know if I can think of a pit....I guess waiting to find out about my cyst is an everlooming pit. and maybe cooking dinner can sometimes be a pit? a stretch I know. Great to have such a fun day-very much needed and appreciated.

Oh the Joy and Oh the pain

Pit and Peak of the day people! so I really kind of enjoyed writing about my pit and peak of yesterday and thought it would be good to do every day. I think realizing the pits and peaks help you to better value and appreciate your peaks. After writing about my big fat pit of a cyst I felt so much better. I was able to look at it with a new light and not feel so horrible inside. I guess when people say write how your feeling it will help you isn't a bunch of bull.

Today's pit was Justin doing our taxes and discovering that we owe this year...wawawa. I mean really a break would be nice. I guess on the flip side at least he has a great job. I hate taxes, I hate the government taking out taxes and then saying huh well pay us more.

Peak of the day would be cleaning my room. Three words...I hate cleaning. I have to say though, I love the finished product. I would compare cleaning to exercising. Painfull while doing said activity, but once done the feeling of satisfaction is rarely matched. I sleep in clean sheets tonight!

On a side note, I wanted to put the weather as my peak again, but having a clean room really is awesome. The weather has been amazing lately. In the 70's. It has been like a dream in February. Love Vegas, Love warmth, Love my man! Everyone should come visit me.


p.s. post was written on 2/9, I just got around to finishing it.

The Pit and the Peak

So I kind of hate blogs...Everyone posts all the good in their lives on their blogs, no bad, so when I read their blogs I think their life is perfect (even though I know that is not true). Confession time. I kind of like the Kardashian show. I think the reason why is because they show everything about theirl lives. Even the bad-the fights. So the Kardashians have this thing called the Pit and the Peak of the day. So I think my blogs will start to have a pit and a peak. This post will mainly focus on my pit of yesterday. Now I want to preface this by saying I don't want any woe is you, I'm so sorry comments. this is purely theraputic. I have all these feelings and I thought why not write about them.
Okay peak of the day yesterday was definitely the weather! Yesterday was crazy warm and it is February people. I mean the temp felt like it was in the 80's. I was rolling around in a skirt and short sleeved top and flip flops. (BTW I looked pretty cute-just sayin) I mean really? At 6:00 at night it was 59 degrees. I think everyone should live in Vegas, especially if you are one of my family members. PLEASE!

Okay the Pit---Yesterday was probably the worst day of my life thus far. I am sure there will be worse to come, but yesterday was pretty bad. I went to my OBGYN yesterday for my yearly only to discover that I have yet another cyst and it is massive....7cm massive. He said it is bigger then my uterus (Too much info?) My OBGYN thinks it is either a tumor or cancer. He does not think it is cancer because I am so young, but man he does not realize my family genes. I spent last night crying with a million fears and questions running through my mind. I had to have one cyst removed last year on February 16th and that was the most painful thing that I have had to do to date. those of you who know me well will know that I do not do pain very well. When I was young I sprained my ankle and made my poor aunt push me around in an office chair because I was in "so much pain" and couldn't even put pressure on it. 

If you follow me on Pinterest you will notice all of the quotes I pin are about strength to keep moving forward and faith in God and His timing. And pinning the quotes is all fine and dandy, but seriously how do people who actually do have cancer keep going. Just doing Invitro is so draining emotionally and physically. At least it is a happy procedure. I just don't know how people keep going.

Put aside the mass on my ovary--i mean they can take it out biopsy it and I go forward, but now my plans to do Invitro (IVF) have temporarily been put on hold. I have been trying to have children for 2 years now and have been muchos unsuccessful. I have done three transfer cycles of IVF and two retrieval cycles. I was going for another transfer next month, but now who knows. I was feeling so good about this one, I really thought I was going to get a baby. I feel like I just can't catch a break or my breath for that matter. I feel like I used to be this super fun vibrant young women and now I am a paranoid,worried, sad, angry girl. Now I'm not this way all the time, but I am right now.

I love being in Young Womens. Lst week the lesson was on Joy. We spent part of the lesson talking about how to find joy when you are having trials and hard times. Everyone can just have the perfect answers-prayer, count your blessings (that one was my addition) service, etc. I have prayed, counted my blessings, and served my husband (does that count haha) and just can't seem to shake my tunnel vision off. I know there are others in worse situations and I really shouldn't be complaining--I mean really I don't know what it is or the plans yet, but it just feels like a big blow at the most inopertune time. But then again I can't see the bigger picture. This may be a huge blessing down the road.

Through this all I have major support. I have 2 families that love and support, a testimony in the gospel of Jesus Christ, and most of all an amazing husband. I love him very much and am so glad we found each other almost 5 years ago. I can't imagine going through life without him. I think it is important to realize that I am not depressed or bitter towards God or the world. I feel like sometimes as members of the church we should be the best and just trust in God and get over our trials super fast, but I think it is okay to cry and mourn and be angry for a time. I mean Christ wept, mourned, and even got angry and threw out the money changers in the temple. I have noticed that when people are going through hard times we always say well it is okay, God loves you and everything will be okay-pray about it-and so forth. I am someone who has always said this until of late. Sometimes people just need to feel the other emotions and it helps to heal. Sometimes they just need people that will say yes, that is one bad day. We don't lose our faith in God because we cry or are angry at a situation. We are just human.

Sorry for the semi downer post-hopefully next one will be a much better Peak.

2012

Okay so I have been inspired by all those around me to update my blog. Maybe once a week I'll get on here and write some thoughts. If i take too much time I will not want to blog-so don't expect anything big HAHA.

My man in HANDSOME!

Life is good...the past year was pretty hard for me, but I have come to the realization that life really is good. I am sooo blessed. I have 2 wonderful families and the best husband. 2012 is already shaping up to be the best year (I feel it in my bones and my heart).

2012 started out by Justin taking me horseback riding for my birthday. SO CUTE! I was super scared because horses are so tall, and I'm tall, so whenever I'm on a horse I feel like a giant. Plust you alwasy see in movies horses bucking people off or hearing of people who get injured, but I sucked it up and had the best time! Our guide was the bomb. He even gave me a horseshoe at the end that he found on the trail. Thus contributing to my feeling of goodluck in 2012.My horse was the bigest and his name was Franklin. Justin rode a slightly smaller horse names Scout. They were both awesome and held up like champs. I decided that horses were not that scary, but rather amazing animals and we have already booked a second trip through Groupon for later in February. Justin's dream is to own horses some day. Who knows...personally I think they would be too much work, but they are pretty fun to ride. LOL Justin and I are the weirdest people we are like gangster cowboys living in the big city...just doesn't seem right. First step to turning Justin into a true cowboy is to get that man to like some country music. Right now i'm just enjoying my time with him.

getting my kiss on during the ride.

My sisters from the Gourley side. We are HTL!

Me and Matthew in Mexico

Already I have been to Indiana to visit my sister (in-law, but she is really my sister). Her year started out with her son in the hospital for pneumonia and her other baby sick so I flew out to give a hand for a week. It was so much fun. Both of her boys were doing much better by the time we left. If any of you go to Indiana make sure you go to the Children's museum it was the BEST! and if you go, haha, make sure you visit the Barbie exhibit and walk to runway and design a dress. I really am such a kid. I Love her little boys so much and I love her and her husband. I'm actually tearing up thinking about how amazing her family is. I am so lame:].

amazing sibling! cut out the boys at the end and you see how cute me and my sisters are from the Nelson side! We are Ridiculously Hot.

I then flew to Utah to spend some time with my family. This was the best trip home I have had in a while. Every night at least one of my brothers and sisters were over. We played games, stayed up till 2am making macaroons, went shopping, went indoor skydiving (AHHHH so scary), I got to spend lots of time with my nephews who are SOOOOOOO CUTE, spent good time with my grandparents, and I sewed a skirt the day I left. Every day was jam packed and some of the best times were spent doing the simple things...like making macaroons or playing rook before the debate, or the car ride up to Ogden. I most enjoyed getting to know my 2 sisters Brooke and Erika. They are each amazing and bring so much into our family. I am so glad I have them as sisters!

Who knows what the future holds for 2012, but so far I have another horseback riding date, 2 sibling graduations (Way to go Parker and Scott!) a possible trip to Disneyland, and hopefully something big!