The Pit and the Peak

So I kind of hate blogs...Everyone posts all the good in their lives on their blogs, no bad, so when I read their blogs I think their life is perfect (even though I know that is not true). Confession time. I kind of like the Kardashian show. I think the reason why is because they show everything about theirl lives. Even the bad-the fights. So the Kardashians have this thing called the Pit and the Peak of the day. So I think my blogs will start to have a pit and a peak. This post will mainly focus on my pit of yesterday. Now I want to preface this by saying I don't want any woe is you, I'm so sorry comments. this is purely theraputic. I have all these feelings and I thought why not write about them.
Okay peak of the day yesterday was definitely the weather! Yesterday was crazy warm and it is February people. I mean the temp felt like it was in the 80's. I was rolling around in a skirt and short sleeved top and flip flops. (BTW I looked pretty cute-just sayin) I mean really? At 6:00 at night it was 59 degrees. I think everyone should live in Vegas, especially if you are one of my family members. PLEASE!

Okay the Pit---Yesterday was probably the worst day of my life thus far. I am sure there will be worse to come, but yesterday was pretty bad. I went to my OBGYN yesterday for my yearly only to discover that I have yet another cyst and it is massive....7cm massive. He said it is bigger then my uterus (Too much info?) My OBGYN thinks it is either a tumor or cancer. He does not think it is cancer because I am so young, but man he does not realize my family genes. I spent last night crying with a million fears and questions running through my mind. I had to have one cyst removed last year on February 16th and that was the most painful thing that I have had to do to date. those of you who know me well will know that I do not do pain very well. When I was young I sprained my ankle and made my poor aunt push me around in an office chair because I was in "so much pain" and couldn't even put pressure on it. 

If you follow me on Pinterest you will notice all of the quotes I pin are about strength to keep moving forward and faith in God and His timing. And pinning the quotes is all fine and dandy, but seriously how do people who actually do have cancer keep going. Just doing Invitro is so draining emotionally and physically. At least it is a happy procedure. I just don't know how people keep going.

Put aside the mass on my ovary--i mean they can take it out biopsy it and I go forward, but now my plans to do Invitro (IVF) have temporarily been put on hold. I have been trying to have children for 2 years now and have been muchos unsuccessful. I have done three transfer cycles of IVF and two retrieval cycles. I was going for another transfer next month, but now who knows. I was feeling so good about this one, I really thought I was going to get a baby. I feel like I just can't catch a break or my breath for that matter. I feel like I used to be this super fun vibrant young women and now I am a paranoid,worried, sad, angry girl. Now I'm not this way all the time, but I am right now.

I love being in Young Womens. Lst week the lesson was on Joy. We spent part of the lesson talking about how to find joy when you are having trials and hard times. Everyone can just have the perfect answers-prayer, count your blessings (that one was my addition) service, etc. I have prayed, counted my blessings, and served my husband (does that count haha) and just can't seem to shake my tunnel vision off. I know there are others in worse situations and I really shouldn't be complaining--I mean really I don't know what it is or the plans yet, but it just feels like a big blow at the most inopertune time. But then again I can't see the bigger picture. This may be a huge blessing down the road.

Through this all I have major support. I have 2 families that love and support, a testimony in the gospel of Jesus Christ, and most of all an amazing husband. I love him very much and am so glad we found each other almost 5 years ago. I can't imagine going through life without him. I think it is important to realize that I am not depressed or bitter towards God or the world. I feel like sometimes as members of the church we should be the best and just trust in God and get over our trials super fast, but I think it is okay to cry and mourn and be angry for a time. I mean Christ wept, mourned, and even got angry and threw out the money changers in the temple. I have noticed that when people are going through hard times we always say well it is okay, God loves you and everything will be okay-pray about it-and so forth. I am someone who has always said this until of late. Sometimes people just need to feel the other emotions and it helps to heal. Sometimes they just need people that will say yes, that is one bad day. We don't lose our faith in God because we cry or are angry at a situation. We are just human.

Sorry for the semi downer post-hopefully next one will be a much better Peak.