What I have learned through Infertility

I believe we are to learn from our life’s experiences. This is some of what I have learned through my infertility.

1.       I am not in control of anything and it is very frustrating to come to terms with it

2.       If there is one thing I wish other people could learn from my infertility it would be to not judge those without children. I have had several people make comments like “oh you’ve been married five years and don’t have any children?” or “when are you going to stop playing and start having children?” or “don’t you know it is a commandment to have children?”  You DO NOT know what people are going through so don’t try and tell them how to live their life. Any aspect of it, church, non-church related. Just work on living your best life and serving without judgment.

3.       It is amazing the fears I will overcome at just the chance of having a baby. I hate needles, always have and always will, but I have at least one shot a day in order to prepare my body for each invitro cycle.

4.       I cannot go through the process alone. When I first started I was very secretive. I felt like I was a failure in many aspects and wanted to keep things private. Looking back I realize I need other people to lean on and sharing my story has been helpful and healing

5.       Faith is much deeper than going to church, reading, and fulfilling your callings. Faith involves trusting and hoping when you feel you are alone, lost, and hurt

6.       A good cry does the body good. It does not mean you are weak. It heals and releases everything you have kept bottled for so long

7.       It is hard to let go of something you want so badly, but it does not mean you are not faithful. Sometimes faith means coming to terms with the plan god has for you instead of the one you planned for yourself.

8.       It is easy to get trapped in the tunnel vision of infertility and let that run your life

9.       You cannot CANNOT compare your failure to get pregnant to someone elses success. Each women’s, and husband’s for that matter, body is different and responds differently to treatments.

10.   You will drive yourself insane with the “what if’s”

11.   Your relationships can easily be strained, work hard to make sure they don’t. Especially the one with your husband

12.   It is easy to get depressed-talk to people and do stuff, do fun stuff

13.   Do not let yourself go: each time I did invitro I would gain about 4-5 pounds because I just stopped moving. In the end I just ended up being too fat to fit in any of my pants which made me just more depressed.

14.   Don’t try to be brave-feel the feelings it makes the heeling faster

15.   Don’t be afraid to tell someone you just can’t hear what they are telling you right now. After my first few failures people started suggesting different doctors, or additional treatments that had worked for friends, I just started telling them thank you, but I don’t want to hear that. It goes back to number 9 and it will drive you insane.

16.   Life is not fair. God never said it was, your mother never said it was, even the legal system is not fair. Innocent people are sometimes convicted and killed.

17.   Don’t spend your life wishing and trying to change things you cannot. I will grow cysts on my ovaries until I die or take out my ovaries. My periods will always hurt severely. Do spend your life enjoying and creating happy moments with those you love.

18.   Maybe most importantly I have really learned how loved I am. By my Heavenly Father. My husband who gives me shots, wipes my tears, holds me when I need it most, upholds my hope when I feel it is almost gone. My mom who drops everything to spend a week with me after the procedure, my relatives and friends who have prayed non-stop and fasted for me, my brother and his wife who were okay with mom missing her going through the temple so she could be with during one of my in vitro rounds, my mother and father-in-law for visiting me and being so supportive, my dad for letting his wife be gone so often, the list goes on and on. I have learned I am truly loved and it feels good to know I have that kind of support.